


Better Now

by LexieCarver



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crowley's pov, F/M, Light Angst, slightly fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 13:29:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11209047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexieCarver/pseuds/LexieCarver
Summary: Pairing: Crowley x ReaderBeta: @raspberrymamaWord Count: 2,389A/N: It’s very hard for me to do angst at the moment with the finale but I didn’t want to shirk on the challenge so this is angst light if you will. This was written for @mamaredd123 Shred Some Hearts Challenge with the prompt, “Feeling Good,” by Nina Simone. I’m clearly angry over the finale and needed to write this. This is my analysis of the finale. No shade needs to be thrown. If you don’t agree so be it. This is a quiet, reflective piece, no smut or action. *Shrugs* This is told from Crowley’s POV. This was very emotional for me to write.





	Better Now

[Also posted on Tumblr-](http://roxy-davenport.tumblr.com/post/161861764576/better-now)

 

From just before the sun rose to early morning, I sat at my desk, Craig in hand, haunted by memories as I was daily. I could only sleep so many hours a day until they found me. I learned to live on a few hours of sleep. I drink coffee and Craig to accommodate. When I’m with her, nothing else matters. She chases the thoughts away and the wariness that comes with not sleeping. With her, I’m whole. If I hadn’t found Y/N, I would be lost to my own dark thoughts, our love not strong enough in those moments. Her touch the only respite I have, the only way the dark thoughts leave me only to come back the next day. I live for those moments of respite.

 

 

I would love to run to her and ask her to hold me, but Y/N was asleep in the next room. I didn’t want to wake her up. She always looked so peaceful when she was sleeping, like the angel I always thought she was. I needed her at moments like these but I never went to her; I didn’t want to burden her with the ghosts of my past. She deserved to be happy and peaceful in a dream. Why open up to her and show her how I felt? That would put too much of a burden on her and the relationship.

 

 

Instead of it being about love and happiness, it would be about battling our past and filled with sadness. I, for one, had enough sadness. She might feel like she had to fix me, as if I was a broken watch but I didn’t feel broken all the time. When I’m with her, I feel alive, loved and happy. It was only in these moments when the past swallowed me whole, only a few hours a day. I would prefer to have a happy relationship with her where I’m a better man, a man I would have been had half of my life not happened. It isn’t pretending: that caring, loving man is who I really am behind the demonic persona. She gave me a reason and a purpose to exist outside of the Winchesters and the supernatural. She saved me and brought out the humanity I had to hide all these years. She gave me a second chance and I would be an idiot to ruin that with my sad pitying thoughts.

 

 

What were the thoughts that haunted me? Oh, the usual ones when you’re nearly a 300-year-old demon. All the things I regretted, the people I killed, the blood on my hands, their screams in my ear. All the people I tortured, some of whom didn’t deserve it. I did it all for a crown and a title I grew tired of years ago but ruling is better than following. Weird that I would miss sniveling morons, unfaithful minions and manipulating people into deals, all the while constantly fearing reprisals and rebellions. I didn’t have one faithful minion in my corner. It was truthfully all I knew. This white picket fence life is new but more enjoyable than my demonic days.

 

 

As if that weren’t enough, I endured my “death” scene in the alternative universe in front of my biggest enemy, Lucifer, over and over again on replay. I saw his face, heard the words said by everyone there, felt the warm air hit my cheek. It was as if I was really back there.

 

 

My plan was a bit rushed. I didn't have time to prepare and I had to wing it. But hey, I’m centuries old: I can wing it and I did. Everyone believed I was dead. Thank god mother dearest taught me magic at an early age.

 

 

My “death” wasn’t how I imagined it. You think you’d have so many people who’d care if you died, a room full of mourners to pay their respects, shout out outrage at the injustice. Nobody plans for no one to care; for your death to mean nothing but a cheap way for you to get out and go into hiding, to live a different life away from everything you knew. I wasn’t prepared for no one caring. That I meant nothing to the Winchesters after helping them and fighting by their side. I bloody sacrificed myself for them, to save them and the world from Lucifer and they gave me nothing. They didn’t scream, “no,” they didn’t even try and stop me. They didn’t say goodbye back, or call out to me, try and save me or even cry. They just looked on blank, lost and shocked. I know it was all my fault. My hubris was what doomed us all. Had I not been prideful and just let the Winchesters trap Lucifer, none of this would have happened. Don’t think that doesn't haunt me either. I was cleaning up my own mess like I always do, but they could have shown some bloody emotions!

 

 

What hurt the most was that when their pet angel died, they showed emotion then. They screamed, cried, tried to hold him back. We both sacrificed ourselves and they only will be mourning one of us. It was just me that they didn’t show emotion to. They have the capacity to show emotion, they just choose him and not me. Dean chose him and not me. I guess I was never part of Team Free Will. I will always be a villain to them, the demon they love to hate. Their silence cut me deep. As I said to others, they have a habit of using people up and watching them die bloody.

 

 

The spell let me hang around and observe them before I joined my vessel safely in another part of the globe, in another dimension. Maybe I should have had a faster acting spell so I didn’t have to witness the “what happens after,” but surely not knowing would have been worse right? Not being sure if you had mattered?

 

 

They didn’t see me as the sacrificing type and I truthfully wasn’t. After all I did to survive, they really thought I’d throw the bucket for them. Sacrifice and become a hero? Nice idea but after everything I’ve done, the best I could ask is to finally be loved and I am by Y/N. We’re in an alternate world where no one can find us. In a world where I’m apparently a TV show character, crazy isn’t it? And even crazier, I have a fan base here, loyal followers who absolutely love me. It’s quite humbling.

 

 

My hands itched over the phone desperately wanting to confront the Winchesters and ask them why, beg them, show them who I am now and that I deserved some tears. Maybe there was a way to repair this? To still be friends or frienemies? I should show them that I’m more than just a demon, more than some evil scumbag who killed people they cared about. That I could truly love someone and have a family. I could invite them to our baby shower. They already missed the wedding, I could show them pictures though. I’m a changed man. But I know they’ll never accept it. And even if they did that isn’t the point. I did all of this for a reason. I did this so I could get out, finally get out of everything.

 

 

Calling them would be useless, they would pull me right back in. And this would have been for nothing. Y/N and the baby would be danger. I would have to rule over morons again who find it impossible to follow simple orders. I would have to kill again and help them “fight the good fight.” I would be embroiled in revenge yet again thinking less than clearly.

 

 

I deserved a happy ending and this was it. Sad that I could only get it by “dying.” I am free from my mother’s clutches as well. Free to be whoever I want to be, not who I have to be to survive.

 

 

Most of the time I loved the fact that I was free. I smiled a real smile when I thought about it. I loved Y/N and my life and I was truly happy and excited almost every minute but those dark thoughts wouldn’t go away. I just had to remind myself that Y/N was why I did it.

 

 

 

 

She was everything to me; my happy ending, my true love and to think I met her by chance at a coffee shop. I was making a deal with a vegetarian yoga instructor and went up to buy her a no fat, triple shot, no foam, caramel something and I bumped right into Y/N, spilling her latte all over her shirt and mine.

 

 

Usually I would have barked orders at the person but I felt a pull to her immediately. I smiled at her, a real smile that made me feel warm inside and safe. I apologized profusely. She had sighed heavily obviously frustrated but one look at me and she smiled telling me to not worry about it if I took her out on a date. I was pleasantly surprised and did just that. It turned out she was a hunter and tired of the job, wanting to just get out and have a family.

 

 

In her eyes I was a perfect, loving man who made her happy all the time. She knew who I was before and she didn’t care. She loved me anyway. I wish that I saw myself like she did.

 

 

I still had my demonic abilities, which I used to surprise and delight Y/N and provide for us. We could live the life of Kings and Queens, with every one of her desires met. We were safely tucked away in an alternate reality but centuries of planning for the worst and being prepared taught me to always have a contingency plan. We were in a huge mansion covered in sigils, in the middle of the woods, surrounded by high gates covered in holy oil, protected by four Hellhounds that roamed the large expanse of land.

 

 

As always, she noticed that I was out of bed again and came to find me. The thought that someone like her, so good and loving, was concerned for me made me smile. I heard soft footsteps on the carpeted hallway getting closer to my office. She very carefully poked her head in, not wanting to bother me if I was embroiled in something but I wasn’t.

 

 

She found me there in a contemplative gaze lost in my own mind. I saw a look of recognition flash across her face for a second before she smiled a knowing smile. I knew she suffered from a dark past as well. That's why we worked so well together. She understood me and my struggles. I wish she would talk about it with me but I didn't talk about mine with her. I wanted to be the one to comfort her because I needed her to comfort me. But I couldn't burden her with my past. She couldn’t know about all of what have done. She might see me differently and I hadn't told her about the Winchesters. I wanted our relationship to be filled with happy memories, a future we both needed away from the darkness of both of our pasts. Our relationship had to be our respite from it all.

 

 

Her gentle caresses dragged me out of myself and I turned to gaze at her, giving her a lazy smile. The soft morning light shone on her hair making it glow almost. Her gaze warm and loving as she looked down at me. As if it was a choreographed dance, she moved forward a few steps and I moved from my chair, hugging her just at the right moment, just when we needed it the most. We stayed like that for a few minutes. Both safe and loved in each other’s arms. A former hunter and the former King of Hell: ironic. But those were our old lives. Here, we were soulmates.

 

 

When I felt ready, I slowly withdrew from the hug and looked at her lovingly. She gently caressed my cheek. I closed my eyes, smiling and leaning into her touch. I took her hand and kissed it briefly before my lips met hers in a reassuring, loving kiss. She smiled at me before she led me into our bed across the hall.

 

 

Without a word, I crawled in behind her, holding her body close to mine as we comforted each from the pasts that haunted us both. That was the only way the two of us could really fall asleep, arms wrapped around each other, love shielding us from our minds.

 

 

When we woke up, we wouldn’t speak of what happened. We would start our day laughing, the freedom to do whatever made us happy in the moment.

 

 

We are perfectly paired for each other, true soul mates. We were each other’s new beginning and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 


End file.
